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What every victim and survivor of Domestic Violence needs to understand is that nothing you do will ever change your abuser for the better, and nothing bad that happens is ever your fault. Abusers are master manipulators; they will do everything they can to convince you that you are the one doing something to make them behave this way, and it’s not the case. I think every victim may go through periods of telling themselves it will get better - I definitely did. The truth is...it doesn’t. You will have times of reprieve, periods where they will convince you they love you and things will change, but it will only continue to get worse. You know the saying “a leopard never changes its spots”? Abusers don’t either.
Most survivors don’t permanently leave after the first time. I didn’t. I’ve heard the question “why did you go back?” on multiple occasions. What people who haven’t lived through an abusive experience like this don’t understand is that leaving can sometimes be just as dangerous as staying. Jana Kaspervic of The Guardian reported that “up to 75% of abused women who are murdered are killed after they leave their partners.”
Not only are you sometimes dealing with the fear of your abuser harming you even further for trying to leave, but there is now something more complex going on: trauma bonding.
For some, you bond with your abuser. No two people will go through the same exact experience that you have just gone through together. You have a connection with them you don’t and will never have with anyone else. Trauma bonding makes you feel co-dependent on this person; the never-ending cycle of punishment and reward creates a bond that is hard to break. My trauma bonding and fear of my abuser are why I went back a second time.